Player in Skyrim: Modded Mayhem
by Finnwriter
Summary: Shameless self-insert into the world of Skyrim with a twist: I have a few mods at my disposal and 700 hours of playtime under my belt. Rating M for cursing, bad humor, violence, blood, sex (maybe). You know, regular stuff.


"Talking"

 _´Thinking´_

 **Shouts**

 **Chapter 1: Skyrim?!**

 _`Hehe, funny little...Wait, the fuck?!´_ I thought to myself as I opened my eyes and noticed that I was no longer sleeping in my warm, comfy bed.

"Hey, you. You´re finally awake." I heard someone say. I turned my gaze towards the voice and saw the familiar face of Ralof. I then looked around me: I was in a wagon with Ulfric Stormcloak, Ralof and Lokir the horsethief.

"You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right int-" he kept talking, but I was too busy trying to comprehend the situation to even be paying attention to him.

´ _I´m in Skyrim? Why am I in Skyrim? How did I even get to Skyrim?´_ I thought to myself and looked down at my body. My hands were tied up and I was dressed in tattered rags and cloth shoes. I bit my tongue and I felt pain.

´ _Ok, so I´m not dreaming. Wait, I don´t think I were always this ripped. Guess lady luck smiles to a fat fuck like me once in a whi-wait, let´s forget what I said.´_ I thought as I looked down at my chest and arms, which now had a lot more muscle than before.

´ _All good and all but can I use magic? It´s not like there´s a menu or something, right?´_ Suddenly a menu pops up in front of me, yet no one seems to see it. Nor does time seem to stop.

´ _...Menu´_ The menu disappeared. ´ _Menu´_ The menu reappeared. I looked at the menu and saw Skills, Map, Items and Magic tabs

´ _Ok, I got magic too.´_ Then I began to smile like an idiot.´ _I have no idea how I got here or if I can get back to Earth, but somehow I know that this is going to be great.´_

"General Tullius, sir. The headsman is waiting!" "Good, let´s get this over with!" I heard shouting and woke from my thoughts and saw that we were already at the gates of Helgen.

"Are you alright? You seemed to be lost in thought." I faced forwards towards Ralof, who was looking at me.

"Yeah, I´m fine. So I guess Sovngarde awaits us, huh?" I said and Ralof nodded.

"That it does." He said before looking at his right side and cursing at the elves greeting Tullius. ´ _I swear I´m going to kill every single Thalmor dickhead that I can´_ I thought as Ralof went on about Vilod´s mead. The wagon came to a stop next to the tower, where the headsman was already waiting.

"Let´s go. Shouldn´t keep the gods waiting for us." Ralof said and got up. I followed his example.

"No wait! Were not rebels!" Lokir shouted. I rolled my eyes and looked around me as he and Ralof exchanged their usual lines. Then the Imperials began to call names. Ulfric stepped towards the block first.

"It´s been an honour, Jarl Ulfric" Ralof said.

"Ralof of Riverwood." Ralof and Hadvar exchanged stern looks of anger as Ralof approached the block, before Hadvar went back to his list.

"Lokir of Rorikstead." ´ _Shit hits the fan in 3,2...´_

"No, I´m not a rebel! You can´t do this!" he yells and runs. The captain orders him to halt and he keeps running.

"Archers!" The two archers draw their bows and each lets loose an arrow. Both dig their way into Lokir´s back and he falls to the ground.

"Poor bastard" I say out loud. ´ _Damn. Seeing someone get killed in real life is different from when it happens in a game.´_

"Wait, you there. Step forward." I do as Hadvar says and take a few steps forwards. "Who are you?"

"The name´s Jan. As in J-A-N. People tend to hear it wrong a lot."

"An odd name." I scoff." You don´t look like a Nord to me. Are you a Breton?" ´ _Oh right. Races.´_ I guess I look like Breton: short, brown hair, light green eyes and standing at 175cm at 21 years.

"Sort of. It´s a long story." Hadvar nods and looks at the woman in Imperial heavy armor.

"Captain, what should we do? He´s not on the list."

"Forget the list. He goes to the block" she says.

"So trying to cross the border is now a sufficient reason to warrant a death penalty? Neat" I said with a hint of sarcasm. Ok, maybe a lot of sarcasm.

"I´m sorry. We´ll make sure your remains are returned to High Rock. Follow the captain, prisoner." I sigh and join the line of prisoners. I watched in boredom as Tullius kept talking with Ulfric. I was about to start mimicking him when I heard the familiar roar echo around the mountains.

"What was that?" "It´s nothing. Carry on." "Yes, General Tullius! Give them their last rites." As the priestess began her prayer I smiled like a total goofball. I stopped smiling when I saw the Stormcloak soldier who had "offered" to go first get his head lopped of.

´ _Damn, it looks even nastier up close. Better to get used to it, I guess.´_

"Next, the Breton!" Then we heard another roar.

"There it is again. Did you hear that?" Hadvar was looking concerned and for a good reason.

"I said next prisoner." Hadvar was about to order me but I was already taking steps towards them.

"Well, it was nice knowing you all. If we meet in the afterlife somewhere I´ll buy you all a bottle of mead" I said and got in front of the block. The captain pushed me down and onto the block and the headsman began to lift his axe.

"I mean I _would_ buy you a round, but it won´t happen since you´re about to die anyway." Then I saw how Alduin emerged from behind the mountains and I smiled.

"What in Oblivion is that?!" Tullius yelled.

"Sentries, what do you see?"

"It´s in the clouds!" Then the ground shook and the headsman fell on the ground as Alduin landed on the tower.

"Dragon!" someone shouted. Then Alduin shouted and it began to rain rocks.

´ _Fucking hell that was loud!´_ I thought to myself as I got up and ran towards the tower. I wasn´t going to wait for Ralof to come get me when my life was on the line. I got inside and headed up the the stairs, not bothering to wait for Ulfric or Ralof. I stopped midway on the last set of stairs and right on cue, Alduin broke the wall and breathed fire into the tower. I had to shield my face from the intense heat, which luckily stopped as Alduin flew away.

´ _Now to get rid of these bonds´_ I used the sharp edge of the rock wall to snap my bindings before looking out of the hole. I gathered my courage and leaped across the gap, landing not-so-gracefully inside the inn on the other side. I got up and ran, seeing Alduin burn another victim and take off as I got out of the building.

"Still alive, prisoner? Keep close to me if-"

"Shut up and lets go!" I yelled as I ran past him. I took a quick glance behind me and saw that he was following after making sure that the boy and man were safe. We ran through the burning house and towards the keep as Alduin wreaked havoc around us.

"Ralof! You damned traitor! Out of my way!" Hadvar yelled as Ralof emerged from behind the rubble.

"Were escaping Had-"

"Cool story, bro! Fucking run!" I yelled and ran towards the door. I rushed through the door and looked behind me to see Hadvar, alone, closing the door.

"Looks like were the only ones who made it. Was that really a dragon, a bringer of the end times?"

"No, it was Ysgramor flying on a magical cow." Hadvar gave me the "seriously"-look. "Ask a dumb question and you get a dumb answer."

"Anyway, you better get some gear for yourself if we want to get out of here alive. I´ll see if I can find something for these burns. And take this. It´s a magical pouch, which allows you to store many items without it slowing you down too much" he said and tossed me a leather pouch with a string on the mouth of it keeping it closed.

´ _Menu´_ The menu opened. ` _Skills?´_ The Skills opened and I froze when I saw them.

´ _Wait, why are all my skill and perks maxed out already? Why is my Magicka at 10,000!? Unless...Magic´_ I looked through my spells and found out that I had all the spells already, and the words for the shouts but I couldn´t use them yet. Then it clicked.

Mods. I had mods installed when I last played Skyrim. Cheat mods, no magicka-cost mods, free-maker mods...

´ _Fire Storm´_ My arms were wrapped in flames and I began to grin like a lunatic. I was in Skyrim, with a plethora of mods at my disposal. I switched to a regular Flame spell and went over to the chest, where I found Imperial boots, armor, iron sword and a key to the gate a short walk away. I removed my rags and wore the armor and boots and placed the key into the small waist pouch. I checked my Items tab and it showed what I was wearing as well as the key in the pouch, which showed up in the menu. I checked my carry weight and it showed 400.

´I _nvisible inventory with a ton of carry weight.´_ I took an iron sword from the chest and gave it a few swings. I had never handled a sword before, yet slashing and stabbing with it felt oddly natural.

"We should get moving. That thing is still out there" Hadvar said and pulled the chain on the wall. I followed him down the stone hall to another gate, where we could hear someone talk beyond it, a man and a woman. I held the sword in a reverse grip and readied myself.

"Hear that? Stormcloaks. Maybe we can reason with them" Hadvar said and pulled the chain. When the gate went down and Hadvar emerged...

"Imperial dog!" The male Stormcloak shouted and reached for his battle-axe. I rushed into the room from behind Hadvar and towards the man. I swung the sword in a reverse grip and the blade connected with the mans throat, cutting it open. The man fell as he held his neck, trying to prevent the blood from gushing out.

"Die!" The woman yelled and rushed at me with her war-axe, only to receive a sword through the back and falling to the ground as Hadvar leaped in to deal with her.

"Good work, though a damn shame we couldn´t talk with them" Hadvar said.

"They didn´t give us a choice." Hadvar nodded and we went through the gate.´ _I didn´t have a Health or Stamina bar, right? So a severe injury is probably an instant death, then. Better not take unnecessary risks , just in case.´_

. At the bottom of the stairs we were blocked by falling rubble. Hadvar reached for the door, but I stopped him and motioned to stay quiet.

"Lend me your bow and 2 arrows." Hadvar hesitated but gave me his bow. I opened the door and saw the 2 Stormcloaks hammering at the barrels. I placed both arrows on the bow, drew back the string, took aim and released the string. The arrows found their targets, and the men became corpses. Then I gave the bow back to Hadvar.

"Nice shot. Check those barrels, might find some potions." I checked the barrels and found 4 health potions and 1 stamina and magicka potion. I placed them in the pouch and followed Hadvar into the torture room where we were greeted with the sight of the torturer getting his head turned into a bloody smoothie, courtesy of an iron warhammer. The assistant didn´t fair any better as he got a mace to his face.

"Over here!" I yelled and began chucking Fireballs at them. Their final screams of death echoed through the room as they were burned and blasted at the same time. It was over as quickly as it began.

"Remind me not to anger you any time soon" Hadvar said." Hold on, there´s something in this cage. See if you can get it open" he said and handed me some picks. I placed the pick into the lock, turned it until I heard a distinct sound and turned the small knife. The lock opened and I opened the door.

"Gimme a moment" I said and took the gold and the potions. I also chanced into the robes and hood and shoved the armor into the pouch. "Ready."

"Why did you take off your armor?" Hadvar asked.

"This suits me better. Let´s get moving." We ran through the halls and through the hole that lead to the cave system.

 **-x-**

"Where in Oblivion are we supposed to go? Where´s the way o-" he didn´t finish his sentence as I blasted him an his friend with a Fireball.

"You get a Fireball, you get a Fireball. Everyone gets Fireballs!" I announced and chucked Fireballs at the Stormcloaks while Hadvar facepalmed and sighed in despair. We crossed the wooden drawbridge-which got destroyed behind us by falling rocks- and continued deeper into the cave.

 _´Why do I feel like i´ve forgotten something?´_ Then I heard and saw something big and disgusting crawl towards me and Hadvar.

Spiders. Big spiders. 5 big fucking spiders. Hadvar drew his sword and-

"Kill it! Kill it with fire!" I yelled and shot Fireballs everywhere at the spiders general direction. A moment later I stopped and breathed rapidly as we looked at the scene of devastation that I had caused.

"I guess you don´t like the crawly ones either?" Hadvar asked and I looked at him.

"Not when they´re that big." Hadvar nodded and continued forward with me in tow. We got to a larger part of the cave when Hadvar got on his knee.

"Whoa, hold up. There´s a bear up ahe-"

 _´Whoosh´ ´Blam´_

The bear was blasted into the wall by a well placed Fireball. Hadvar turned to look at me and moment of silence settled between us.

"Not the sneaking type, huh?" he asked.

"¯\\_(ツ)_/¯"

Hadvar sighed and motioned me to follow. We then felt a cold breeze brush against us as we saw light emit through a crack in the side of the cave.

"This looks like the way out! I was starting to wonder if we'd ever make it."

´ _Here we go´_ I thought as we ran for the exit.

 **-x-**

 **Second fanfiction i´ve decided to write. And sorry if the pace seems a bit fast in this chapter, just wanted to get it out of the way and get the story itself going properly.**


End file.
